Occurred 12 August 2022, around 15:00
(Recorded 14 August 2022, morning)
The two of them are concluding their conversation. They are placing laptops into bags and cleaning up after their four-hour planning session when she says, “When have I been known to make good choices?”
He does not answer straight away. The retort in his mind needs to be edited, cut away from the script. He laughs and mutters, “Well….” He pushes the door to leave; she is behind him. “I was going to say something sassy, but all I can think of is, ‘You’re friends with me; that’s a good choice.’”
He thinks she laughs, too. Then, she replies, “That remains to be seen.”
Recorded 17 August 2022, 20:15
All he can do is write. He cannot be honest. Given the unlikely chance that he could speak his mind, what would he say?
“No shot, right?” he shouts aloud, in his bedroom, at his desk, listening to “Theme for Ernie” by Gábor Bolla. The memory dots are connected: “Maybe, we’ll see” and “That remains to be seen.” And that the date of realization is the same: 17 August. Six years later. Ducking irony. No wonder those five words have so occupied his mind. A sarcastic dagger, most likely. She did not mean anything by it. Taken literally, which seems unwise, they indicate indecision. An accidental slip of truth, perhaps. Who knows? She does. He does not.
He has written nothing much but prose recently. James Joyce has captured his attention; he is practicing for the Olympics in boat-rowing on the stream of consciousness. An open faucet. Say what comes to mind. “Men need to address skills deficits to meet healthier relationship expectations” (Matos). Alright, Mr. PsyD, show me how to use outdated statistics to make an argument about how men are emotionally immature compared to women. Gadz, the double standard! An article could never be written about how women might be less skillful in an area compared to men. That would be sexist. The doctor is touching a nerve in him. Fight or flight, baby. How is his emotional intelligence? “The problem for men is that emotional connection is the lifeblood of healthy, long-term love. Emotional connection requires all the skills that families are still not consistently teaching their young boys” (Matos). Why does he find this offensive? His own father, while not being very expressive of his emotions, taught him the importance of emotionally connecting with others. So did his mother. And his parents are living a long-term love. So, what gives? C’mon, Matos, why are you calling out men everywhere? Why paint with so broad a brush? Where is the fineness in your psychological arts? You want men (only?) to do the following:
Level up your mental health game. That means getting into some individual therapy to address your skills gap. It means valuing your own internal world and respecting your ideas enough to communicate them effectively. It means seeing intimacy, romance, and emotional connection as worthy of your time and effort. (Matos)
When Sunny smiles
It brings out the best in him
When she laughs, it is like
The world will never end
When Sunny dreams
He dreams with her
The two are determinedly un-
Conscious, blissfully aware
They are appositionally
Opposite in their person-
Alities and would be in-
Compatible if not for
The truth is he loves her
He does not love her
She is a series of con-
Tradictory statements
With a tight waist
Facing east while
He faces west
They pass in the night
And wave hello in the
Morning at work
Teaching teen-
Agers to read
When Sunny is silent
It allows him a unique
Opportunity to imagine
What she thinks about
She does not think
About him, thankfully
Whatever feelings
He has are not re-
Ciprocated, she is
Sericated, queenly
He is plebian and does
Not know how to dress
Himself, having never
Determined a suitable
Clothing style
Nothing ever fits
Nothing is ever easy
It all takes so much
Fucking work but
The Sunnys of the earth
Are covered with pearl-
Like drops of dew
And tears, waiting
For themselves to uncurl
From being world’d too much
A poem is a made thing
Art should encourage man-
Nerism; her stylish style
Emphasizes artifice over
Realistic depiction
We tread in the foot-
Steps of Old Masters
And paint nudes in comp-
Licated and contrived poses
Have you got acid
Color in your cheeks?
She breaks with unity
He retains it
She is dynamic
He never moves
The autopsy ends and
The moon coroner packs
Away his saccharine utensils
As Sunny rises.
DAYWALKING 