39. Alive, Alive Oh

5 August 2022, 19:22

(If you want to hear it, press play.)

Yes because she never did a thing like that before as to ask him about his day when he didnt come home until late after work one night it was a full day of doing nothing much because it is summer and he is on vacation and has little to do but complain to himself about how alone his hands are and how together it seems other peoples hands are if only he knew what she was thinking about him if only he could go to sleep without his brain running in circles like a headless chicken do they really do that hes never seen a headless chicken but in the movies its a certain way you see people falling madly in an out of love and a different she cannot take him seriously because he was silent and didnt text her for a couple of weeks sorry yes she is right he should have said something he should have told her she was beautiful and didnt need correction and didnt need to paint her face for him who was jobless and handless when he moved to the big city now he has a job that he has to start thinking about again he will go back for another year and there is nothing much to say or do about the matter he wishes he never had to say anything at all that his mouth was just another organ playing a deep note while his hands did all the work what if people didnt need to speak and they could just feel each others feelings and know what it means to be a man and what it means to be a woman and what it means to be everything people think is in between or other or who is he to wonder about identities that are not his own he has a dokos in his own eye and that beam of timber or log or plank or whatever is all he thinks about his old friends used to point out the clenching of his jaw and the narrowing of his eyes and the face of judgement he constantly wore and still wears too often he wants to be less that way so she will want him she is not she in fact at all or something or other she is a figment of pleasure and imagination the real she is something much stranger and more unfathomable if only a few things were different theres always those one or two items about a person that convince him to lose interest if ever there was interest in the first place with this conjured she there is everything right and everything wrong at the same time dont ask him to explain he couldnt if he tried and these thoughts are not an explanation or an analysis or anything academic they are just whats inside and outside in conflict with each other they are representative of an agon between his brain and his heart who wins who always wins with him the brain of course he is just too damn guarded and unwilling to take big risks because he loves and hates conflict at the same time she cares for you and you have feelings for her dont overthink it surrender to spontaneous honesty there is nothing more beautiful in human relationships seize the night seize your chance enjoy one another thats it have fun says Gaunter O’Dimm its a proper noun so just this once an apostrophe will be used by evil incarnate or Satan himself or maybe also God it is hard to say this mans identity because the author leaves it open to interpretation in order to read you have to blur your eyes a little and pretend there are punctuations in your soul that make things formal and acceptable to the public who like to put a stamp on your forehead or burn a brand on your arse or tattoo a number on your wrist so they think they know precisely who and what you are what if he was not of planet earth at all but someone from the far future or problematic past are we progressing are we moving toward utopia which looks like equality for everyone in all places and times even the deceased are being disturbed in their graves let them lie let them lie let them hold onto their groupthink and unconscious universal connection to something that no one can prove is real science has limits so does religion what does he believe is real can he even know things where does the regime begin and end he is significant he opens his mouth to shout but the words dont come out its not over till its over and love is like a rattlesnake warning before it bites she is his antivenom she is the antidote for his handlessness and lonesomeness she is everything he wants her to be except she is not she just get over her already and move on you two are incompatible and it wouldnt work in a thousand years and even if you were the last two people on the planet because she likes women and he likes women too and he finds some men attractive but not like that no never like that because those thoughts are disallowed his aunt jokingly suspected once but she was just searching for something to knock her brother off his high horse and how high he sits with good reason he is a good man but these days it is not him and he is not he and any resemblance of the third-person narrators in the previous and following lines to the author is purely yes and yes he said he will yes her no and she will no his yes and the two will maybe into foreverland where ignorance is the best way the only way for them to survive and what if and what if and what if and what if and what if and what if continues and continues and continues like a canon booming once then echoing in the ears of those who arent around because if hes lucky like two or three people will have made it this far without giving up because its hard reading and rereading and getting lost and having to start all over again no one likes to start over again we all wish once was enough but he gets lost in the sauce singing yes and yes to himself duh nuh nuh nuuhhh duh nuh nuh nuh nuuhh nuh nuh dunuhnuhnuh have you got color in your cheeks dear where did it begin and when did you first know it wasnt him but instead another who you could care for when did the bell jar close over her head and begin to suffocate steal kill destroy her will to live why did she stick her dome in an oven and could the doctor have stopped it from happening and even if he could have who is to say she wouldnt just try again she was unfaithful to a lover once and fifteen tracks in finally gets to the point where her darkest truth of all is revealed he tries to save her and she tries to escape him because she doesnt need saving and he isnt the messiah he is just a negative number moving farther and farther away from zero the middle doesnt exist anymore if it ever did it was just two poles north and south with a beam of light cutting through stale air moving back and forth between chorus and bridge and chorus and bridge until the authors of the world write new verses like yes and yes please feed him with your old lyrics revised into new forms crawl into bed with him and hold him until he sleeps soundly in a nine foot by eleven foot New York apartment for which he pays what feels like an inordinate amount of money when will the owners die and the workers get their just deserts because poetic justice isnt real the bad guys sometimes win with a snap of their fingers because power isnt ours it belongs to the few monarchs and dictators and presidents and princes of the world while the rest of us get told to work hard and you will be okay thats the ticket work hard and you will get what you deserve death is what he deserves and she deserves and they deserve and we deserve because no heart is free of hamartia until it recognizes the beauty and true love of Jesus Christ or thats how the story goes it is a true story so it has errors and imaginations to cover the gaps of lost manuscripts and unrecovered artifacts that were eaten away by almighty Time after time and his yes to her no and her yes to his no are not the same after all.

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